Learning from Loss

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;

may the name of the LORD be praised."

Job 1:21

The man who spoke these words thousands of years ago*, wrote them after experiencing a tremendous amount of loss. 

Job lost his sheep, his oxen, his donkeys, his camels, his health and every one of his ten children. Yes, all of his ten children.

And to make matters worse, after suffering this great loss, his wife ridiculed him for holding on to his integrity. Her words of advice to him: "Curse God and die!" How's that for kicking a man while he's down?

And why, you ask, would Job have to suffer so? Perhaps he was suffering from rebellion against God. Maybe for ignoring God during the course of his days. Maybe for living a life that's contrary to God's laws.

Actually, the Bible says this about Job: "This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil." Job 1:1 Job was a good man -- a godly man, even.

Job shows us a few things we would do well to understand about loss and pain:

Loss Comes to Us All

"Funeral Procession" by Ellis Wilson

We all endure pain and loss in life. From the moment we enter the world, we begin lives filled with ups and downs. We have good days and bad. We have joys and sorrows. We enjoy great gains and great losses.

Just last week, I traveled to Baltimore, Maryland to attend the funeral of my dear Aunt Augusta. My life is full of memories of Aunt Augusta's good cooking, her calm, soft-spoken nature and her comfortable home that I spent many a night in during my childhood. Aunt Augusta (affectionately known as Aunt Chuckie) had suffered from various illnesses over the years, but in the end, she died after a tragic freak accident.

Loss has been an unwelcome companion to me and my family these days.

Has it been your unwelcome companion too?

Loss Is Not Always Punishment

Job reminds us that loss doesn't only come to evil men and women. Loss comes to godly men and godly women. Loss comes to children -- innocent babies, even. Loss is a part of life. It is a part of every life.

Job's response to his wife's advice to "curse God and die" sheds light on this. His words: "You are talking foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

A question we must ask ourselves. Will we only accept the good times in life? We must accept the good with the bad, the joy with the heartache, the harvest with the droughts.

Loss Can Make Us Better

If we endure the heartaches of life, and continue to trust God through them, God will make us better for it. I've endured my share of loss in life: two miscarriages, multiple relocations, and career disappointments, just to name a few.

Each time, I've had days I thought I wouldn't make it through to the other side. Yet, I always do. And not only do I make it through, but I come out the other side looking a little more like the Savior.

I'm sure you've experienced your share of loss too.

My Sister, just know there is purpose in pain. God loves you. Trust Him.

Even through the losses of life.

Love,

Carla **

* Quick Bible Tidbit: Bible scholars believe that Job's writings were the first written - even before the book of Genesis.

** Carla Adair Hendricks is a pastor's wife (since 2001), a Mama to four beautiful, rambunctious children, an adoption/foster care advocate, a writer, a lover of current events and public policy and a lover and follower of Jesus Christ. (Definitely not in that order!) She currently resides in Conway, Arkansas, but also calls Baltimore, Maryland and Franklin, Tennessee home. She founded "A Pastor's Wife's Garden" to encourage and uplift ministry wives around the globe, but has been pleasantly surprised over the blessing this blog has been to women from all walks of life. Visit her personal blog, "Deep Waters" here, and join Carla and other ministry wives every Monday right here at "A Pastor's Wife's Garden" for weekly encouragement.

Parenting those PK's

The Hendricks Clan

With June being the month of Father's Day, May being the month of Mother's Day and both months being filled to the brim with high school and college graduations, our minds inevitably turn to those little -- and not so little -- people that God has given us charge over.

So this month in the Garden we'll take a look at mothering our PK's -- or pastor's kids.

Since this blog began in January of this year, we ministry wives have shared a lot about the unique challenges that come with our roles. We wives of those men on the front lines of ministry enjoy countless blessings as we minister alongside our husbands. We also experience frustration and trials that oftentimes only we "get."

But it has to make you wonder... If I, a fully-matured woman of God, struggle in my role as the pastor's spouse, how must my children struggle at times? They are young and immature. They've not fully matured emotionally, mentally or spiritually. They are only kids.

Every now and then, God gives us a glimpse into the hearts of our children. Just yesterday, I had the blessing of a glimpse into my 15-year-old son's heart. A precious gift indeed.

With his permission, I'd like to share my son's Facebook status about being a PK:

"I wonder how different church people would treat me if I wasn't a pastor's kid. Idk [I don't know], and maybe other PK's can relate. There's a stereotype of pastor's kids, which is: either super snobby and rebellious OR Goody Goody Christian kid. I wonder what it's like to just be me, and erase the big billboard over my head that's labeled "PASTOR'S SON" and have the church folk treat me as I am. But what am I? I guess ya'll can decide that one for yourselves. Either way, I'll just keep on following this God dude that every single person in this congregation can't wrap their heads around."

Wow. That's all I can say.

Actually, I've got an idea how he feels. But then again, I don't know how a 15-year-old boy feels what he feels. It's got to be frustrating. It's got to be trying. It's got to get old at times.

And yet all I can do is encourage my son -- and all my children -- to continue to walk with Jesus, seeking to please Him first and Him most. We humans are fickle anyway. You can never please all of us all the time.

But God's love is unconditional, compassionate and never-ending.

I've been studying the Old Testament book of Jonah, and just today I came across this beautiful reminder:

"...You are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity." Jonah 4:2b

God is a perfect parent, unlike myself. He gets it right every single time. And He loves our children more than we possibly could.

So let's release our precious ones to Him. Let's bathe them in daily prayer. Let's allow them to fail and get back up, all the while being consumed by the grace and mercy of our heavenly Father.

And let's remind them that before they were ever a PK, they were a GK -- God's Kid.

And thank the Lord, so are we.

Love,

Carla Adair Hendricks *

Do your children struggle with being PK's? Or has life been rather status quo for them? We'd love to hear your stories in our comment section!



* Carla Adair Hendricks began A Pastor's Wife's Garden weekly blog to encourage and empower other ministry wives. To read more of her personal story, click here.

Discovering The Gems

By Carla Adair Hendricks

Today I am full.

I've just returned from a trip to Nashville, Tennessee, where my husband Anthony and I lived for nearly ten years. I experienced an incredible amount of growth and adventure during my years in Nashville. My husband began his ministry career there at Strong Tower Bible Church, so that's where I became an official PW (pastor's wife).

Our family increased quite a bit while in Nashville too. We adopted two of our children and I gave birth to our baby girl while living there.

And I enjoyed so many wonderful friendships there.

So this weekend was like a family reunion, talking to girlfriends into the wee hours of the morning. You know, the kinds of conversations where you move from insignificant small talk to deep heart conversation in less than five minutes.

That kind of conversation fills me to the brim.

That kind of conversation is rare.

And so are deep relationships.

In this fast-paced, social media, virtual culture, people rarely take the time to develop deep, authentic relationships. In a day where we're more connected than ever -- through Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and so on and so on -- we are actually lonelier and more detached than ever before. Throughout the day we post the cute things our children say, our dinner menus and pics of the adorable platforms pumps we found for a steal at T.J. Maxx.

But where do we post our heartbreaks?

Where do we share our failures and sins?

Where do we pin our rejections and disappointments?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with Facebooking, tweeting or LinkingIn. I'm personally a fan of each. But along with Facebook, why not share a meal with a girlfriend face to face? In addition to LinkedIn, why not link up with another lady at work, church or in your neighborhood? Alongside Pinterest, why not take interest in a woman that's very different from yourself, be she of a different race, culture or socio-economic background?

You might find that lady as starved for genuine, heartwarming relationship as the rest of us are.

See, we minister's wives know a little something about loneliness. Because we're married to the guy who stands in the pulpit each Sunday, we tend to be rather popular at church. But often that popularity resembles that of the prettiest girl in high school. Everybody knows her, but few move close enough to really know her. A few zealous souls attempt to win the title of that girl's BFF, but the girl's always left wondering, "Would she want to be my friend if I wasn't the prettiest girl in school?"

But then a real gem of a girl comes along that likes the girl for who she is. The girl relaxes and opens her heart. And true friendship begins.

We ministry wives need those gems in our lives. We women need those gems in our lives.

So let me encourage you to prayerfully seek out the gems around you. The "Son" shines through women like that. Open your heart to them. And by all means, nurture those precious gems that you've known for years, decades even.

And most importantly, be a gem in someone else's life.

The dividends are priceless.

* About Carla: 


 Carla is a pastor's wife, writer and adoption/foster care advocate. Understanding the unique challenges that pastor's wives face, she created A Pastor's Wife's Garden to encourage ministry wives of diverse ethnicities and backgrounds. Visit the Garden here every Monday morning to hear from a diverse, passionate group of ministry wives and visit Carla's personal blog at www.carlaadairhendricks.blogspot.com.

Opening Our Hearts to Change

By Carla Adair Hendricks *

Springtime is here! Azaleas and daffodils are blooming, splashing watercolors across our flower beds. The sun is spreading rays of golden warmth. And Easter is on its way. A time of renewal. A time of reflection.

A time of new beginnings.

So for the month of April here in A Pastor's Wife's Garden , we'll share about new beginnings. So join us here every Monday this month. What better place to be during the first days of spring, but in A Garden?

The words "new beginnings" bring beautiful thoughts to mind. Thoughts of second chances. Thoughts of being born-again through a relationship with Christ. Thoughts of new ideas, new projects, new purpose in life.

It also reminds me of change. With every new beginning, we must undergo and adapt to change. And if you're like me -- and most other women on the planet -- change can bring a sense of uncertainty and even dread. Change can knock the security right from under you.

Over the years I've learned much about change. Here's a few:

Change Is Inevitable:

From the moment a newborn inhales her very first breath, she's slapped with the reality of change. No longer will she enjoy the constant warmth and comfort of her mama's womb. She will experience hunger and cold and discomfort. Her life has undergone great, life-altering change.

And ours has too.

We have aged, we have moved around the country (or world), we've married, we've had children (through birth and adoption) -- and oh my, we've entered full-time ministry with our husbands.

The only way to halt this roller-coaster of change is to stop living. On this side of heaven, change will follow us for the rest of our lives.

Change is Difficult:

Let me just be real for a minute. I don't like change.

I like consistency. I like routine. I like security.

Change pretty much rocks my world. I would much rather do without it. And yet, one thing that's been consistent in my life has been -- well, change.

One of the most challenging changes of my life has been relocating -- back-to-back relocations. And just recently, the Lord showed me I'm still reeling from the last one. When my husband, four kiddos and I packed up to relocate to Northern Virginia to plant a multi-ethnic church much like our Tennessee church, Strong Tower Bible Church , I was sad, but excited and expectant. I knew the relo' drill. I knew it would take a while to make good friends. I knew it would take months for our house to feel like home.

But exactly twelve months later, we relocated again to Arkansas. I found myself reeling from the blow of those two consecutive moves. I was a mess, weepy, ready to jump ship.

Almost two years later, I'm no longer a mess, no longer weepy, and no longer ready to jump ship. But I'm still grieving. Grieving relationships from three different cities. Grieving all I'd ever known. Grieving my favorite grocery store chains, for goodness' sake! (Oh Publix and Wegman's, Mama still loves ya!)

Yet God is still good. He is still trustworthy. He still loves me to pieces.

And Hallelujah, Hebrews 13:8 reassures me that He never changes:

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." 

Change is Necessary:

If we could interview a newborn baby, she would probably express distress over the dramatic change of birth. She might even choose to stay in her mother's womb if humanly possible. But having lived on the other side of the womb, we big girls would cheer her on, encourage her to go for it, to enter this crazy world with all its nuances and risks.

Why? Because we know the syrupy sweetness of a strawberry. We've experienced the cushiony coolness of beach sand under our feet. And we've felt the cozy comfort of a loved one's embrace.

And we know she'll never experience the joys of this life if she never takes the leap (or push) into the real world. And as difficult as change can be, it's always worth it in the end, because we're better for it. We're more like our Savior at the end of the road of change.

And yet, I'm praising God that He never changes. When my world swirls around me, and I can barely grab a railing to balance myself, I need to know that Jesus remains constant, consistent, unmovable.

And He'll be the same in your life -- no matter how much, how often, or how drastically your seasons of life might change.



* To read more about Carla or check out her personal blog, visit The Master's Gardeners and Deep Waters.

Surviving the Land Mines of Ministry Marriages

by Carla Adair Hendricks *

I've got a secret Ladies. Come closer and I'll whisper it in your ear.

Marriage is hard.

That's right. Three solitary words. Not rocket science. No "OMG!" response required. I think we'd all agree.

Now I've got another one for you...

Marriage in ministry is harder.

If you don't believe me, just ask the young pastor that attends church alone these days. Without his wife beside him.

Just ask the couple bouncing back from the Pastor-husband's emotional affair, the affair that stripped him of his pastoral title and recording deal.

Just ask any man or woman serving in full-time ministry. Just ask me.

The statistics tell the story:

• 52% of pastors say they and their spouses believe that being in pastoral ministry is hazardous to their family's well-being and health
• 57% would leave the pastorate if they had somewhere else to go or some other vocation they could do
• 70% of pastors don't have any close friends; 56% of pastor's wives say that they don't have any close friends
• 80% of pastors say they have insufficient time with their spouse
• 80% believe that pastoral ministry affects their families negatively
• 94% feel under pressure to have a perfect family
• 75% of pastors report severe stress causing anguish, worry, bewilderment, anger, depression, fear and alienation
• 1,500 pastors leave their ministries each month due to burnout, conflict or moral failure

Okay, so what do we do with the reality we face? How do we authentically admit to the difficulties of this ministry life, yet remain positive and joyful? How do we ministry wives remain afloat with so many lifeless casualties floating down the river past us?

We stand.

Ephesians 6 says it this way: Finally be strong in the Lord and in his might power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then... (Verses 10-14)

Our real battle is with an invisible enemy. Not with our husbands. Not with that annoying or antagonistic church member. And the battle will not end until Jesus takes us home. So we must stand.

Stand on God's Word. Stand on His promises. Stand in constant connection to Him. Stand in submission to Him first, then our husbands. 

We must stand in the face of adversity and strife and strain. Stand when fellow soldiers fall on the battlefield beside us. Stand as if our very lives depend on it.

I'll end with Donnie McClurkin's Stand. Be encouraged...

Will you stand with me, my Sister?



* Click here to read Carla's previous post and here to read more about her.